I Don’t Want to Feel Alone, but I Do

This post is going to be different. I’m not going to be brutally honest about how I have been feeling and it isn’t pretty. I want to be honest with you so that you can see I do understand. I understand the struggles of living with dissociative identity disorder as much as anyone.

Even more than that, the coexisting disorders such as depression and feeling suicidal are huge parts of who I have been and who I am today.

The Discussion and a Question

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I was having a discussion with my brother two days ago when I suddenly became aware of something rather sad about myself. I was just wondering if this is true for anyone out there as well.

Mike has an anxiety disorder, and he was telling me how when he feels when taking care of his three-year-old son. Mike told me he enjoyed knowing that he was protecting his son, and when he did doing so made him feel safe himself, and that everything was right with the world.

Then he asked me, “You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”

What?

He was met with a blank stare from me, and it was at that moment that I understood more than ever before why I had become addicted to pain medication.

When I took the pain meds, (I took several at one time of course), after about fifteen minutes I would feel warm and fuzzy. The feeling that all is right with the world would flood me and I could be relaxed and do things I wasn’t able to do otherwise.

I first learned how this felt when I worked in a nursing home as a certified nursing assistant.

Working in that profession is extremely, extremely stressful. Between dealing with the staff and never having enough help, being a C.N.A. means high stress, low pay and no chance for advancement.

I worked second shift and we were very short on help, and to be quite honest, I had become suicidal. I had a bottle of pain pills that I had never used and decided to pop five of them to die by suicide.

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However, fifteen minutes after downing them I felt such relief inside that I was able to have fun and relax for the first time perhaps ever. I flitted about the wing having fun with the residents and getting my work done more efficiently than I ever had before.

Most of all, I felt like everything was alright, that I was safe, and all was right with the world.

That night began thirty plus years of being addicted and abusing opioids. It’s a freaking wonder I am not dead ten times over.

Back to the Conversation, I Had with My Brother

After a few moments of staring at my brother, I finally had to answer no to his question. He asked for clarification, so I told him how without some sort of substance coursing through my veins, I never feel safe nor do I feel like things will be okay.

He whistled and said, “That sucks! You must have a whole lot of different things going on inside your mind then I do mine.”

The “Different Things”

He was raised in the same household by the same destructive parents like me. He lives with CPTSD and has a devil of a time with his emotional regulation made worse by a case of ADHD.

But, upon further examination, I do have “different things” going on in my head than he does.

For one, my parents weren’t the only source of trauma for me when I was young.

My grandfather was worse than abusive even though I loved him very much.

I was made fun of at school so badly that I hated (hated doesn’t even begin to capture how I felt) going. I often had runny stools and panic attacks at just the thought of Monday morning and having to face the other children at school.

I was trapped, had no place to turn for help, frightened, hopeless and exhausted.

Plus, I had developed DID, the icing on the cake.

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I can remember lying in bed on Sunday night weeping quietly in total dread of facing another day.

Quite frankly, had I not been capable of dissociating, I would have died by suicide then.

In fact, I did try to die that way the first time when I was only eight and in the third grade.

Nope, I’ve never in my life felt like I was safe and that all is right with the world.

Never.

I have been in therapy for over thirty years and still can’t seem to overcome the feeling that something horrible is about to happen. The dread that fills me every day, 24/7 and 365 day a year just will not relent.

Do you my friends and readers have this problem too?

Or, am I alone in this.

Grieving for Paula

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Unfortunately, the therapist who helped me the most has retired. I adore the one I have now, but we have a completely different kind of relationship.

I allowed myself to become attached, no to love, Paula and now she is gone forever. I can never talk to her again, nor will I ever see her again.

She is the only person I have ever allowed into my heart like this, and I feel so utterly betrayed.

My brain knows that realistically she had to retire and that she deserves to live her life in peace. However, I’m still very angry at her.

My mind knows she is not a blood relation, she isn’t my mother, but goddammit it feels in my heart like she is just that, my mom.

You know how I feel right now, sitting here in my recliner writing this on my laptop? I feel like I never, ever, ever want to trust anyone like that ever again.

No. Nada. Uh-uh.

I Would Absolutely Love to Get High Right Now

I told my brother that although I’ve been off pain medications for over two years now, I’d give anything to have some.

I sometimes, like this moment, desperately want to feel warm, safe, and like all is right with my world.

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If it were worth it to me, I would do that. I’d find a doctor whom I could fool and get a prescription of thirty of the suckers and get high.

However, to be honest, again, I’m stating that I would probably take the entire bottle.

Confession Time

I’m having extreme problems right now with sadness. I almost called it depression, but that word doesn’t begin to describe the emotions I am being bombarded with this morning.

Seasonal affective disorder has me firmly in its grip, and although I normally pull out of this time of year quickly and with only a few bruises, this year is different.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, maybe it’s because I’m in a new stage of grief for Paula, I don’t know.

My spark for life seems to be sputtering and I cannot describe the horrendous exhaustion I am experiencing. I find myself wishing I would die from a heart attack or something.

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I’ve stated before that the pain and confusion from DID and childhood trauma never totally goes away. I wasn’t lying. Like any grieving process, it changes but it never completely heals.

I’m also having a bout of insomnia, so my body is exhausted along with my mind. That is never a good combination.

Don’t worry. I always pull out of these slumps, even if I need to go inpatient for a few days.

How I Feel Saddens Me

I am so saddened from my realization that I have never felt like I was safe and that all is right with the world without a substance. This was a huge revelation.

How I felt as a kid is still echoing today.

I still see life as an adventure, that planet earth is a beautiful place. I’m just having a hard time right now seeing the forest for the trees.

Am I alone?

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I Don’t Want to Feel Alone Anymore ~ Shirley J. Davis

 

Sitting here in my room
Contemplating life
I can’t help but feel
Alone

 

So long I have wanted
To live a happy life
Yet all I have done
Is feel depression and despair

 

What does the future hold?
More unbearable pain?
How do I defeat this dread?
How will I remain sane?

 

In my past, I’ve known heartache
Tears have been my best friends
Violence has stalked me
Leaving me gasping for air

 

Is life worth living?
For the lonely and afraid?
Is anyone listening to me?
Or am I pissing into the wind?

 

I reached out to someone once
To help me feel safe and wanted
I will never, ever to that again
No, I won’t even try

 

The pain is too unbearable
When people leave or die
I can’t, I just can’t
Allow someone else inside

 

My soul is full of old wounds
I’m hemorrhaging inside
I just want to know I’m okay
I just want to feel alive

 

How do I feel? What do I want?
What would I like to know?
I’d like to feel loved,
I’d like to feel cared for

 

I want to I’m not alone
I need to feel loved
I need help to feel safe
I don’t want to feel alone anymore

 

But I do

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Feel Alone, but I Do

    1. Thank you Robert I truly appreciate your kind words. I’m feeling somewhat bettter today both physically and emotionally. Shirley

  1. You are not alone. We all have good and bad days. Talking about it with someone can make all of the difference in the world. Keep on talking and eventually things will get better.

    1. Thank you. I know. Some days I wish I wasn’t here but those days aren’t as many as those I’m glad I am. That’s why I tell people and myself to hang on because the clouds WILL part and the sun shine again. I have such wonderful friends here! 💖 Shirley

  2. My God! I am so sorry that you feel that way. I know a number of people with DID and they have all told me similar thoughts about their loneliness and fear. It takes tremendous courage and determination to wake up every day and continue the battle for peace. I applaud you and respect you for your honesty. I have no magic wand with which to heal your pain but please know that I support your struggle and hope that each day will improve. I am an alcoholic and I know exactly how you felt when you took those pills. I felt the same way with each shot of scotch. I have been sober for 28 years and there are still days when all I want is a bottle and that lovely feeling when my brain used to click off and nothing bothered me. I look forward to your postings. Thank you for sharing and best of everything to you.

    1. Thank you Lois. That makes me feel better. Just to know someone else understand this crap makes all the difference in the world. I’m going through a tough time due to seasonal affective disorder, and this is the worst it has been for many years. I hate the darkness and the cold. I live in Illinois and they mess with the clock too. I mean really? Then comes Christmas in the darkest part of the winter. Whoever thought of that was crazy as hell. We would all do better if Christmas was in July and set off fireworks in the wintertime for our independence day stuff. Sigh. Anyway, I’ve been here before and I will climb back out but right now it really does take everything I have to get up in the morning. Not only that, but I write for a living and man, it is really hard to get anything done right now. I get the alcohol thing. Very much so. The reality that I have come to understand is that the pill effect was temporary only lasting a few hours then I had to face myself afterwards. I know you know what I’m talking about. My body was quickly dying and I had a stroke because of my need to feel comfortable.

      Thanks very much for your comment. I needed that. Shirley

  3. I relate Shirley! I’m comorbid with C-PTSD, ADHD, OCD, Depression, and Alcoholism (been sober just over 38 years). Was diagnosed with DID when I was 10 years sober after an in treatment stay if 35 days for MPD as it was called back then. Thank you for your article! Lari

    1. Thanks Lari. I woke up this morning feeling horrible but my day has improved. I appreciate the encouragement.

Thank you for commenting! Shirley

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