A Nowhere Man?

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I’ve written on this blog about the road less taken many times before. However, there are so many aspects and thoughts I have concerning it, I had to write another post.

Some consider the somewhere they are reaching for to be heaven, some nirvana, some consider it blinking into nothingness. That’s not what I’m really talking about. What I mean by the word somewhere isn’t a spiritual thing, it is something else.

What is Somewhere to Some is Not Somewhere to Others.

So, what is somewhere to you?

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Is it something that occurs outside yourself like having a family or a successful career? Is it fame and fortune? Is it power over others? Is it riches? Is it being dirt poor?

My Search and Nowhere

Looking inside my heart I find I want to feel acceptance and belonging more than anything else in the world. I have never felt like I belonged in this world, I’ve always felt I was a mistake a cosmic error, a fluke.

As I age this feeling only grows stronger. There have been many careers I’ve thought to gain for myself. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a child. As I grew I wanted to care for special needs children, then it was a scientist, and its final incarnation was to become a psychologist.

When I was small, and now that I’m aging, I have and do dream about becoming a best-selling author.

Every day, though, I realize that while those dreams and careers would be wonderful they will not make me feel a sense of belonging. They will only wet my appetite for what I can never have and cause me to feel more desperate. I have gone literally nowhere.

The Big Question

So, what on earth can make me feel safe, loved, in control of my life and like I belong?

What would make me feel like I can go somewhere and not be nowhere?

My life is filled with flashbacks to a past I’d rather not claim and living in poverty due to the physical and emotional damages done decades ago. I can’t simply walk away because those things haunt me.

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I’ve had people ask me, why don’t you just forget those things? Why can’t you just act normal like everyone else?

For one, I am normal for where I have been.

For another, like I stated my past won’t die. It won’t stop. It is insidious in the way it fucks with my life (pardon the strong language, but that’s the correct word).

I have a had the horrible feeling that I will never go anywhere. That I am a nowhere man.

 

A Nowhere Man?

 The Beatles had a song that accurately describes what life is like for many of us who lived through severe childhood trauma.

 

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Nowhere Man

John Lennon / John Winston Lennon / Paul Mccartney / Paul James Mccartney

He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody

Doesn’t have a point of view
Knows not where he’s going to
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere man please listen
You don’t know what you’re missing
Nowhere man, the world is at your command

He’s as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man, can you see me at all
Nowhere man don’t worry
Take your time, don’t hurry
Leave it all till somebody else
Lends you a hand

Doesn’t have a point of view
Knows not where he’s going to
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere man please listen
You don’t know what you’re missing
Nowhere man, the world is at your command

He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody

What Do these Lyrics Mean to Me

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The lyrics to Nowhere Man always bring tears to my eyes. They express my sentiments I have held about my life so well.

I, like millions perhaps billions of others, spin through life waiting and hoping to find happiness only to be bogged down by ourselves.

No one else is making me unhappy. I am allowing myself to feel bitterness and unhappiness.

Are You?

I know what Paula, my first therapist would ask, what can you do to change the way you feel? What steps could you take that would propel you forward?

The answer I would give is a firm, I don’t know.

I have and will forever be, a very strong person. Believe me, if I weren’t I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I’d be dead many times over.

No one is harming me today. I am a full-grown woman now who can protect herself. All the harm that I am still responding to happened decades ago.  So, I need to take some definitive steps to end the emotional turmoil that constantly spins in my head.

Should I grasp hold of that stubbornness and force life to treat me better? If so, what do I need to make my life change for the better?

Should you?

Perhaps the steps Paula would mention were she still my therapist would go as follows. They work for me, maybe they will for you too.

The First Step

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The first challenge in solving a conundrum like I find myself in is to identify the problem.

One of my favorite movies is Dune and Thuffer makes a simple yet stunning statement to Paul Atreides. He says, “Remember, the first step in avoiding a trap is to know of its existence.”

So, identifying the trap is the first step in feeling better about my life.

I feel horrendous about myself because of how I was treated in my childhood long ago. I was starved, sexually used for the pleasure of adults, told I should never have been born by my own mother. She also told me she never wanted me.

Her voice still echoes in my mind today.

The trap? It is believing those voices and what they have said about me. Those who said I would only be loved by them, that my only purpose was to please them.

 The Second Step

I must understand what it is that I really want.

What is that?

I crave feeling like I belong in this world and that I am good enough, just as I am.

To do this, I must grow to understand deep down where it counts that no matter where I have been or who I have known, I belong here.

My mother and the other adults in my life were wrong! Just plain wrong!

I am not an accident, I am not a fluke of nature, I belong here just as much as anyone else ever born on mother earth.

The Third Step

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This is the hardest and longest of the steps that may take from years to a lifetime, acting like I believe my new revelations about myself. This step occurs in conjunction with all the others.

Treating myself the way I deserve to be treated is difficult. And, if you are like me, you feel guilty not being like a nobody and being treated that way. Changing the long-held beliefs that were implanted in our brains is hard, but not impossible.

In the first place, the adults in our lives who implanted the horrible and negative thoughts that we believe about ourselves were worse than wrong, they were criminals.

Can You Hear the Difference?

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If you have a child today, can you see yourself telling them they are worthless or that they shouldn’t have been born?

Can you see yourself telling that innocent little girl or boy that they are mistakes? That you never wanted them? That they are parasites and you wished they were dead?

Can you imagine yourself using them as sex toys and claiming their bodies belong to you not them?

Can you hear it? That’s what was said to us.

That’s why those old tapes play over and over telling us just the things I mentioned above. We do not and never did deserve to be treated as property to be abused and hurt. We deserved love, respect, and dignity just like all other humans.

We were denied the basic human rights that belong to everyone.

 Step Four

 Although step three is the longest, it is not the final step.

After we have identified the problem, asked what it is we want, and decided to change the old tapes, then what?

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We get on about the business of living.

We no longer treat ourselves as the outcasts we believed we always were. We begin to measure our lives not by the horror we once knew, but by the beauty we find in our lives.

Where Do I Find Beauty in My Life?

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For me, I have found that beauty in two main places.

The first is the laughter and love of my three-year-old nephew. His love for me helps me to feel more grounded in who I am. He knows he is safe with me and he knows that his aunt loves him very much. He sits on my lap and tells me silly things and I laugh and laugh. We draw together, and he amazes me with his blooming talent. I have found healing just watching his un-abused life unfold before my eyes.

The second is in writing this blog. I know that may seem silly to some but writing here and receiving feedback from those who find it helpful makes me proud. Not the kind of pride that comes before a fall, but a self-pride that says, yes, I am helping someone today.

You, my friends, are beautiful to me, and that’s not bullshit. It’s true.

What We Can Do to Help Each Other

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The best way we can help one another is to open up about our own struggles to others. We encourage each other and build each other up that way. We help each other trade the old tapes that tell us we are worthless pieces of meat for ones that say, I need you, I want you, you belong here.

We are all of us worthwhile human beings on the same road of life as everyone else, that is with one exception. We who are willing to face the demons of our childhoods are traveling down the road taken.

This road is the one that says I will not be silent, I will not allow you to hurt me anymore, I am not going to take my own life so that your crimes will remain hidden.

Continuing to living is truly the best revenge. Or, to put it the way Paula once did by asking me a question,

“Do you want to let the bastards win?”

My answer is now the same as it was then,

“HELL NO!”

What is your answer to the challenge of becoming your own person rather than a puppet nowhere man like your adults meant for you to become?

My Final Words Spoken to You Today

SHIRLEY J. DAVIS

At this point, I am going to repost the poem that I wrote especially for you. You’ve seen it before on this blog site, but maybe now the words will ring louder than ever before.

Please remember, I’m the real thing and I care very much about what happens to you. I may not be able to go to you and hold your hand when you are hurting, but I’m listening. Just write me a comment or drop me a line, I’ll always respond. Shirley

 

 

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I Am a Survivor, That’s What I do

 

I am a survivor, that’s what I do

I did not give up then

I do not give up now

I will battle to my last breath

Fighting long-held lies with the truth

 

I am scared

I am battle worn

And I admit, I’m exhausted

Yet, I keep fighting on

 

I’ve been through deepest hell

Have looked Satan in the face

He has attempted to steal my soul

And yet I have survived

 

I was supposed to self-destruct

To roll over and simply die

Yet, I have not lost that war

I have won

 

 

I am victorious over those who planned

To keep me down forever

But, I will no longer hide

I am not the one who should feel shame

 

I am full of furry

My heart is full of passion

I scream out in my heart

What my mouth cannot adequately say

 

I cannot be shut up

I cannot be made silent

I will not remain quiet

And I will betray those who hurt me

 

 

If you are harming children

Watch out for my anger

Hot and billowing in the wind

It is coming for you

 

 

It is coming for you

 

 

I will speak out for those too small

To take action on their own

I will continue to flex my muscles

To battle on, no matter the cost

 

 

Whatever fate throws my way

Or death when it arrives

I will hold onto who I am

And meet each challenge with eyes wide open

 

Because

I am a survivor, that’s what I do

 

 

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