Today is the day we in the United States celebrate our independence and all the men and women who have given their lives and minds to keep us free.
Things have been so damn serious lately in my life and in the world I decided to write a funny day for our day of Independence. Some of the jokes are irreverent, but last time I looked, that is still not against the law.
First Some Jokes That Will Make You Say Ewwww!
Please have a safe and happy 4th and remember, I care.
Food, Family, Fourth of July, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!
How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America? Because freedom rings.
What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette
Why did the duck say bang? Because he was a firequacker.
What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill
Why were the first Americans like ants? They lived in colonies.
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772? The Boston Flea Party.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Be honest, you said Ewwww at least once!!!
Parable for The 4th of July
Once, in the 1820’s, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn’t come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, “Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?”
“No, pappy,” Sam lied.
“Well, let me tell you a story,” said the father. “Once, not that long ago, Mr. Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother’s favorite cherry tree,” his pappy paused.” just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, ‘Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?’ Abraham answered with, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.’ Then his father said, ‘Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.’ So,” the Sam’s father asked again,” did you knock down the outhouse?”
“Pappy, I cannot tell a lie anymore.” said the little boy. “I did indeed knock down the outhouse.”
Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, “Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?”
Pappy answered, “That’s because Abraham Lincoln’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”
Oh No, Not More Ewww Jokes!!!
What do you call a duck on the fourth of July? A fire quacker.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!
Little Andy Was at His First Day of School
Mrs. Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the “Pledge of Allegiance”*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.
As Mrs. Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, ‘I pledge allegiance to the flag……..’, when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
‘Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,’ she demands.
Andy looks up and replies, ‘It is over my heart.’
After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs. Whyte inquires, ‘Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?’
‘Well Miss,’ answers Andy, ‘because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, “Bless your little heart,” and my Grandma never lies.’
This is Just Too Funny
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Timeline for Independence
1774 – The 13 colonies send delegates to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to form the First Continental Congress. While unrest was brewing, the colonies were far from ready to declare war.
April 1775 – King George’s troops advance on Concord, Massachusetts, prompting Paul Revere’s midnight ride that sounded the alarm: “The British are coming, the British are coming.” Thus, began the American Revolution at the battle of Concord.
May 1776 – After nearly a year of trying to settle their differences with England, the colonies, once again, send delegates to the Second Continental Congress.
June 1776 – Admitting that their efforts were hopeless, a committee was formed to compose the formal Declaration of Independence. Headed by Thomas Jefferson, the committee also included John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Philip Livingston and Roger Sherman.
June 28, 1776 – Jefferson presents the first draft of the declaration to congress.
July 4, 1776 – After various changes to Jefferson’s original draft, a vote was taken late in the afternoon of July 4th. Of the 13 colonies, 9 voted in favor of the Declaration; 2, Pennsylvania and South Carolina voted No; Delaware was undecided and New York abstained. John Hancock, President of the Continental Congress, was the first to sign the Declaration of Independence. It is said that he signed his name “with a great flourish” so “King George can read that without spectacles!”
July 6, 1776 – The Pennsylvania Evening Post is the first newspaper to print the Declaration of Independence.
July 8, 1776 – The first public reading of the declaration takes place in Philadelphia’s Independence Square. The bell in Independence Hall, then known as the “Province Bell” would later be renamed the “Liberty Bell” after its inscription – “Proclaim Liberty Throughout All the Land Unto All the Inhabitants Thereof.”
August 1776 – The task begun on July 4, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was not actually completed until August. Nonetheless, the 4th of July has been accepted as the official anniversary of United States independence from Britain.
July 4, 1777 – The first Independence Day celebration takes place on this day. It’s interesting to speculate what those first 4th festivities were like. By the early 1800s the traditions of parades, picnics, and fireworks were firmly established as part of American Independence Day culture.
A Beautiful and True Statement Made on jokes4us.com where the above jokes came from.
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right. True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else. Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people. People have forgotten what 4th of July really is about.
Today commemorates the freedom we use every day. It’s not fireworks and parties. That’s just what makes it fun.
Let’s enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China. Let us remember as we fall asleep this Independence Day those who fight and the many that have died to protect our freedom.
One last joke that may be a true story!
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.
“Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1?”
The soldier replied, “I got my four Sir.”
British General “Well,” snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. “I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”
“Not me, General!” the soldier replied. “Once I get out of the army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
A Few Parting Words